Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.