My neck, my back, my…
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.