HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.