Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner