Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish