This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
You Might Also Like
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
(by @ZachWeiner )
sigh
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said