Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
when someone rings the doorbell
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.