Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
This makes total sense…
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00