[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party