There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy