“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
You Might Also Like
Ken is short for chicken
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
🤣😂🤣
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.