Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.