a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Got ya covered
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name