Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.