on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
You Might Also Like
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Planet of the Apps.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”