Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep