Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?