When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
You Might Also Like
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.