send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You Might Also Like
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
ready to be harvested
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.