Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Tastes like chicken.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
lol
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.