That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
The game has officially changed 😎
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile