Haha good job!!
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.