Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
You Might Also Like
#Thanos #MondayMood
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot