I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
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If a snake ate a cake
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
How all things should be taught/explained.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person