Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*