9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
necessity is the mother of invention
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.