Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
You Might Also Like
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead