Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.