Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
dream blunt rotation
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.