I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
nyc:
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.