Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Stop.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”