The Joker was right
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The Book. The Movie.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic