Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Skills
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Sniffing the broccoli
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.