Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.