I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.