[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store