Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
what鈥檚 a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you鈥檒l silkscreen on a body pillow?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I鈥檓 done talking to you for now.
[when we鈥檙e a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG