3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷