Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
You Might Also Like
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
me opening up to someone
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage