FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
You Might Also Like
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
shit just got real
Never forget.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?