More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Breaking news:
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Worth a try
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze