DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Vodka burrito was a success
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
🤣