Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball