*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.