Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…