My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie