[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
i baked you a cake
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
And they lived apathetically ever after.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.