I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?