just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.