[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
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I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?